Conformity and Deformity and other Knitting Fables

Sim, Mim, and Jim felt their planned road trip to New York (and subsequent intended taking of the children's public broadcasting scene by storm), required just the right knitwear.

Pippa was thrilled that she had found a way to marry two of her greatest loves: knitting and rug hooking.

Ursula's latest design was not only a deconstruction of postmodern society's tension between conformity and deformity, but also a vehicle for smuggling contraband across international borders.

Frazer struggled not to cry as he walked down the runway. He'd finally realized that his girlfriend's conception of high fashion sailing attire meant she did not and never would share his passion for and rudimentary knowledge of sailing. There are no butterflies at sea.

Melantha and Lance loved their new double bikini and felt it did almost as much to strengthen the bond between them as their cherished two-seated Love Toilet.

Thomasina, whose ears were very sensitive to the cold, had long been working towards her design goal of making a chic, adult version of earmuffs, and thought she'd finally nailed it. Putting the connecting strap under the chin instead of across the head had been key.

Hope, whose design muse was Frida Kahlo, had created the latest in a series of looks that represented what she thought Frida Kahlo would be wearing if she were alive today. This particular one was "what Frida would wear if she were into pom poms and were having everyone over to drink pitchers of Agua Frescas and watch Orange is the New Black".

Fawn's design muse was Judy Jetson, and this was her "Judy is stricken by a migraine and the pain relieving ray gun is broken" look.

Gramps had just reassured Chet III that of course his will stipulated that his extensive collection of knitwear and silk scarves as well as the buttoned red leather wing chair were to be part of Chet's inheritance.

Jamie and Dolores, two public school teachers currently on mandatory leave of absence and "under observation" at their local hospital's psychiatric unit, used their craft time to create caftans that were visual representations of sieve-like young minds, futile blackboard scribbles, and worn out blackboard erasers. Those hospital gowns were pretty depressing and embarrassing, after all.

The Crochet Crusades and Other Knitting Fables

Sometimes when Ali got stuck for a design concept, she gave her cat a bunch of yarn to play with and hair sprayed the result.

Frederica saw no reason why she shouldn't embrace her love of classic Chanel styles and patchwork quilts at the same time.

Troy, a museum curator, made a sort of hobby of creating historical textile pieces for the alternate universe he had created in his mind. He felt that his concept of armour for the Crochet Crusades was likely to prove his masterpiece.

Isabelle, a busy woman, saved time by simultaneously rehearsing for her dance recitals and knitting Christmas presents.

Brook had finally realized his vision of the perfect rave outfit, but felt it was all for nothing because he couldn't get his right sock to stay up.

Raoul's sperm sweater was one of the most acclaimed entries in the Male Pride Fashion Show.

When Timothea's design class instructor criticized her designs for being "too tube-like" and "structurally lacking", Timothea dutifully added curves and structure to her next design, only to receive a bewildering and terse "see me after class" comment from the instructor.

Rex was very proud of his new swim sweater, though he thought he could have done better at coordinating it with his Speedos. However, he reminded himself, with the right hair, one can get away with such minor sartorial missteps.

When Phillipa decided she'd missed her true calling of becoming a dental hygienist but wanted to finish out her last year of design school for the sake of finishing what she'd started, she decided that, rather than design a year-end project from scratch, she could just get creative with whatever swatches and half-finished projects she had lying around her dorm room.

There comes a point in many a model's life at which the model realizes that no amount of money makes it worth appearing in public in bizarre crap, and when Sullivan found himself on a runway in fishnet stockings and a sweater made out of steering wheel covers while being half-blinded by camera flashes, he realized he'd zoomed right past that point.

Forced Intimacy and Other Knitting Fables

Eleanor was convinced that it was by no accident that her name was what it was and that she was in fact the reincarnation of Eleanor of Aquitane and had shone as queen of both England and France, though those 16 years of house arrest had been a total drag.

Malcolm and Janine were trying to keep their minds open regarding their marriage therapists "forced intimacy" techniques, but sometimes they were ready to write him off as being completely full of shit.

Vincent tried spending an evening relaxing with his knitting as advised by his sister, and it ended up being the usual Saturday night of contemplating the barren, arid wasteland of his life and talking to the cat. But then, as his sister assured him when he complained to her about it, he'd done it wrong. He was supposed to spend the evening actually knitting, not wearing an unfinished and flawed project. Couldn't he just stuff the project gone wrong under his bed and start another project like normal knitters?

When Bethea's entire family came over for the annual Easter family do that she always hosted, they agreed that she had really outdone herself on the decorations this year.

Albert felt that an epic Mohawk called for an epic cowl.

Designer Iris was crushed when Jennifer Lopez turned down her new red carpet design for "not being revealing enough" and vowed never to make the mistake of being too demure in her designs again.

Alejandro topped off his latest knitwear creation with a fascinator constructed from a cheap wig, a kitchen canister, and two knitting needles. Sometimes he felt he'd missed his calling and should have been a milliner rather than a knitwear designer.

Augustus's pom pom philosophy was "I Magno aut in domum cede", or when roughly translated into plebeian English, "Go Big or Go Home".

One of these days, Mai thought, her boyfriend Christopher was going to insist on doing sheep cosplay once too often and she was going to dump his woolly, bob-tailed ass.

Petra had grown up worshiping Mary Kate and Ashley Olesen and her designs reflected her residual spite at fate for not making her a twin.

Roadkill Collage and Other Knitting Fables

Oleg had been knitting on public transit for years, and he found that blending in was the best way to avoid all those tiresome comments about how unusual it was to see a man knitting.

[Photo by Joseph Ford, with knitting by The Duke of Woollington.]

Sometimes even Crispin and Iris were amazed by their own coolness.

Philip had made a vow not to speak until he'd achieved his twin goals of moving out of his parents' basement and putting flowers on the graves of all four of the original members of The Ramones, but he thought there was no reason why he shouldn't let his clothes speak for him.

At the Purl & Prance Dance School, all the students had to knit or craft their own costumes.

During the Springfield community theatre's art house presentation of a crafter's version of the French Revolution, "Marie Knitoinette" brought down the house when she bellowed, "LET THEM CROCHET!"

Design student Colleen considered her pre-sagged and pre-pilled designs to be the most brilliant thing in design since acidwash jeans.

Design student Silken was insulted when one of her classmates asked her if she was taking Colleen's pre-pilled look steps farther. Her design was a celebration of her ovaries, thank you very much.

Meanwhile, Silken and Colleen's classmate Stefan had created a look he said was inspired by the sight of his six cats' eyes gleaming in the dark. Behind his back the rest of his classmates referred to it as the Roadkill Collage.

Fellow design student Nestrelda had spent far too many school nights staying up late to drop acid and re-watch Dances With Wolves, Never Cry Wolf, White Fang, and Teen Wolf.

Frustrated by his lack of success in meeting women, Gunther cast all attempts at subtlety to the winds.

Feline Fibre Genuis and other Knitting Fables

LuLu was getting a sinking feeling she ought to have taken that left turn at Albuquerque in order to get to the yarn store.

Shea had originally been mad at her cat Kip for shredding her latest (and nearly finished) project, but when she tried on the result just for the hell of it, she decided Kip might be some kind of feline fibre genius.

Kindergarten teacher Hazel was thrilled with the new outfit she'd made to wear while teaching a unit on dinosaurs to her class. She'd also dreamed up an idea for doing "cave painting" on the classroom walls with her students, and a "big bang"" experiment to do in the playground. Going off her meds was so good for her teaching skills!

Fed up with his mother's repeated promises to finish his new striped teddy bear "sometime", Chul-Moo decided to take matters into his own hands.

Cora felt that a bulky sweater went a long way towards balancing out what she considered to be problem hips. Now if she could only figure out an effective way to get her best friend Anna to stop emailing her links to articles about body dysmorphic disorder!

After getting charged with criminal mischief for tagging, Aviva took her case worker's advice and channeled her passion for making a mark into knitwear design. She found turning sweaters into the wall-like surface she wanted a bit of a challenge, but then it was a challenge she felt up to.

Madison felt that someday hot pants and afghan stripes were going to be just as universally known and quintessentially "Madison" as the little square suit and Chanel No. 5 were "Chanel".

Elysia wasn't exactly happy about being given the part of "turkey baster" in her community theatre's avant garde Thanksgiving play, but as she kept reminding herself, a true thespian gives 100% of herself to every role she takes on.

Elysia's neighbour Vicky, who had gotten cast as "mashed potatoes and peas", was less philosophical, and instead vowed to give up her stage ambitions and write a romance novel about an aspiring actress who got all the best parts in everything as well as all the leading men, because her talent and beauty was too remarkable to be ignored.

Keefe had decided that a "swim sweater", which left a tantalizing something to the imagination, was the best way to attract all the ladies at the public pool. Much to his disappointment, he'd only been approached by one 67-year-old woman so far, and that was only to kindly advise him that his sweater was going to both slow him down in the water and hang to his knees when wet.