Knitwear For Those Not So Quiet Evenings In

Last Valentine's Day, I did a post on selected naughty knits. This year I decided to do a post on lingerie knitting. I have mostly chosen items specifically designed to be worn before a very small audience rather than out in public, so before you have a coronary at the idea of wearing some of these, remember that the only people who will ever see you in them are those who love you just the way you are (and if they don't, the problem probably lies with them, not the knitwear or you).

The Assets of Evo shorts, shown above, are designed by Marnie MacLean, have a cute, contemporary appeal and will pair well with a simple camisole. It's a free pattern.

If you like doing some Jazz Baby role playing during your evenings at home, the Zelda chemise might be just the thing to hold up your stockings while you're brewing up some gin in the bathtub. This pattern is available for $3.99(USD), and was also published in Naughty Needles: Sexy, Saucy Knits for the Bedroom and Beyond.

I think I've been eyeing the Hush-hush nightgown, designed by Libby Baker, since Knitty published it in 2004. It's so pretty and what I will euphemistically call "fetching" without being at all vulgar. It's a free pattern.

This is Lucy's Chemise Nightgown, designed by Joan McGowan-Michael, which is available for $8(USD). I've been meaning to write a post on McGowan-Michael's incredible work for about two years now and really must get around to it soon. She is past mistress of romantic knitwear design. Er, I use "mistress" in the sense of Ms. McGowan-Michael's having mastery over romantic design, not in any other sense.

This is the "Pretty Little Knickers" Lace Lingerie Set (bralette, boyshort, and a camisole which is not shown here), designed by Lauren Riker. I can't speak to how supportive that or any knitted bra is going to be, but it would surely be possible to add some supportive construction to the inside. This pattern is available for $7.00(USD).

This Basic Bra and Basic Panty, designed by Joan McGowan-Michael, features an underwire and looks a little more supportive than the previous design. The bra pattern is available for $9.50(USD) and both patterns were published in Knitting Lingerie Style: More Than 30 Basic and Lingerie-Inspired Designs.

This Lace-edged cami and knickers, designed by Sarah Barbour, are quite cute and wearable. The pattern is available for $8(AU).

I had to include this "Bow-dacious Bikini" Triangle Ruffle Bralette and Keyhole Back Panty with Bow Lingerie Set, designed by Lauren Riker, for the sake of its saucy little details. This pattern is available for $6.00(USD).

These Sexpot Bottom undies, designed by Ashley Paige, look like they'd feel amazing when worn. There's a matching top as you can see, but I can't see enough of it to be able to form an opinion on it. Both patterns have been published in Sexy Little Knits: Chic Designs to Knit and Crochet.

I might just have to consider making this Ruched Camisole, designed by Joan McGowan-Michael, in a mohair to match the Sexpot Bottoms just above, as they'd work well together. The Ruched Camisole pattern also appears in Knitting Lingerie Style: More Than 30 Basic and Lingerie-Inspired Designs.

How can I do a lingerie post without including a few corsets? This Basic Corset, designed by Joan McGowan-Michael, which is another of the patterns in Knitting Lingerie Style: More Than 30 Basic and Lingerie-Inspired Designs.

The Alicia Corset, by Trudy Van Stralen. This corset could be worn either during evenings in or as a summer top. It's a free pattern.

I can hardly show a corset design without showing a girdle. Generally speaking I'm glad to be alive in an era when women aren't expected to wear corsets or girdles, but it might be fun to slip them on occasionally. The Betty pattern, designed by Joan McGowan-Michael. This pattern is available for $4.00(USD).

How fetching is the Lacy Boy Short, by Joan McGowan-Michael? This pattern is available for $5.50(USD).

Di's Lacy Pants, by Diana Kiernander, besides being trimmed with ribbon and elastic lace, are lined with silk to keep them from being too itchy or chafey on one's delicate parts. This pattern appears in I Love Knitting: 25 Loopy Projects That Will Show You How to Knit Easily and Quickly.

All of the above patterns are those that are meant to appeal to women, but let's not neglect male lovers of knitwear entirely. Here's the Men's Thong-th-thong, by Joan McGowan-Michael. It's a free pattern.

Scourged by Humanity: A Special Valentine's Day Knitting Fable

Justine had been excitedly planning her knitting group's Valentine's Day party for a month and was glad she managed to finish her new lederhosen in time.

Phillipa was glad she'd also managed to finish designing and crafting the perfect Valentine's Day outfit, but its very success was making her reconsider her acceptance of Justine's invitation. Her dedication to her craft and her one-woman effort to bring back 80s fashions left her little time for parties.

Geneva hadn't finished her latest project yet, but this was just as well as she planned to wear nothing to the party but her knitting and her smile. This was one Valentine's Day she didn't intend to spend alone.

Harley, who considered Geneva's ploys more than a little obvious, planned to be proactive and bring a whole crew of sailors with her to the party. Or just keep them for herself; she hadn't decided which.

Lance and Dermot weren't quite sure whether they'd take up Justine on her party invitation, or just spend a quiet night in. They decided to wait and see whether Harley brought her sailor boys to the party or not. Because, well, sailors.

Venus and Willa had definitely decided on that quiet night in rather than the party, but they'd made special outfits for each other all the same. Which, alas, would end up giving them both wretched heat rashes.

Franklin and Rhea wouldn't have dreamed of missing Justine's party. They planned to show up in one of their matching knitwear sets and spend the entire time ostentatiously cuddling and telling everyone how they'd just got back from their fourth honeymoon and third vow renewal at Disneyland. Then in the car on the way home they'd have an unplanned screaming match over the new car mats Franklin had bought for the car, but that would just be between themselves.

Iris decided to bring not only her boyfriend Jeremy but also her friend Max. As she reasoned, Jeremy was only going to get sloppy drunk on Justine's notoriously strong punch and pass out on the couch anyway, so she might as well make sure she had someone else there to keep her company.

Justine had asked Tad to be the party's official videographer. He was happy to oblige, but he also had an eye out for the ladies, and was debating whether to wear his new crocheted vest or tie, or perhaps both.

Pearl, who'd given up on men, Valentine's Day, love, parties, punch, sailors, and in fact anything that might make being alive more fun, had reluctantly agreed to come to the party to avoid disappointing her close friend Justine, but planned to wear her knitted interpretation of the smallpox with appropriate makeup in order to demonstrate her pro-vaccination stance and "scourged by humanity" emotional state.

Naughty Knits

For this Valentine's Day, I decided to offer you all a selection of patterns that make me giggle like a 12-year-old in health class. I hope you enjoy them and aren't reading this at work. I know these kinds of subject matter isn't for everyone, and if you don't enjoy this kind of ribald humour, check out my Valentine's Day post from 2013, which features G-rated projects and some pretty lingerie.

The thong above is the 302 Calories design, by Dawn Payne. This pattern appeared in the Knitty Summer 2004 issue and is available for free.

For a little harmless fun on Valentine's Day, you might try these Basic Handcuffs, designed by Nikki Sayadi, on for size. There isn't a pattern available at present, but these don't look too hard to figure out. If you do make and use them, feel free to not tell us all about it in the comments.

Here's a thematically on-the-nose bra. This is the Booby Trap pattern, by ADHD Knitting. It's a free pattern.

When I posted a picture of these Elephant Trunks, designed by Aundie Molina to the Facebook page for this blog, it got loads of viewings, likes and shares. Then Facebook removed it and sat me in the corner (read: wouldn't let me have access to my blog's page or my personal page) for 12 hours to give me time to think about what I'd done. I duly thought about it and decided there wasn't anything wrong with what I'd done and that Facebook is a control freak with a misogynistic double standard. This pattern is available for $4.99(USD), and I hope it includes instructions on how to shorten or lengthen the trunk as required.

If you've been looking for the perfect thing to wear to your favourite knitting fetish bar, this matching thong and handcuffs set might be just the thing. The Knitter's Handcuffs and Thongs pattern was designed by Adelheid and is available for €3.00(EUR).

And this post wouldn't be complete with some lingerie from Joan McGowan-Michael. At some point I'll have to do a post of selected lingerie patterns, and I'm sure her work will figure prominently in it. This is the Betty design, and it's available for $4.00(USD).

My Funny Valentine, Sweet Knitted Valentine

I try to ignore Valentine's Day. Mine have, frankly, always sucked. The only one I ever got to celebrate with anyone was in 1992, when I got a card. From a guy who a) turned out to be gay and b) when I found out about his actual sexual orientation and reproached him for not telling me, claimed I'd just imagined that we were ever romantically involved. So maybe that card doesn't count, because it just might have been a figment of my imagination too. All my other Valentine's Days have just been non-events, with the possible exception of Valentine's Day 2012, when I was coming home late from work and got hit by a car. The driver was a young guy on the way to see his girlfriend. I don't imagine they had too pleasant an evening either, even after he eventually arrived at her place a few hours late.

But I'm not going to ignore Valentine's Day on this blog, because I do love researching and writing holiday theme posts (I'm even looking forward to creating a St. Patrick's Day post), and in this post I offer a bouquet of knitting project ideas to you that I hope you can enjoy regardless of your romantic status. Knitting, after all, is inherently a self-sufficient activity, and you can make one or two of these items for yourself or for someone whom you love, and you'll find it won't matter whether you love them in a romantic, platonic, or familial way — they'll appreciate the item and your efforts just as much.

A number of these projects employ hearts as a design element. I don't normally like heart motifs as they tend to look cheesy and too child-like for adult wear, but in these cases they've been incorporated into the pattern with such intricacy, cuteness, or attitude that they all work.

The above picture is the first of the project ideas I'm suggesting. It says it all, doesn't it? If you think it doesn't, you can always replace the text with something else (e.g., "Prenup Okay?", "Trading You In", "Now You Tell Me" or "Expletive Deleted"). The pattern is available for sale on Domiknitrix.com for $2(USD).

Seeing a little kid run around the house in the LoveSocks, designed by Devon Clement, would make my day. It's a free pattern.

Beautifully designed Coeur D'Or, by Heatherly Walker. If they look too much like Valentine's Day wear to you, just make them in another colourway. This pattern is available for $6(USD).

Love these Heart mittens, by Matilde Skår. Making these mittens in different colours would make them all-winter wear. It's a free pattern.

Here's a Valentine Envelope, by Cindy Craft, that could be used from year to year. Or if you make it in some other colourway, it could be a nice vanity case. The pattern is available for $2(USD).

Gorgeous, intricate Little Valentine shawl pattern, by Sylvie Beez, and apparently it takes less than one 100g skein of fingering yarn to make it. It's a free pattern.

This Lucy's Chemise Nightie, by Joan McGowan-Michael, is a romance in itself. The pattern is available for $8(USD) at White Lies Designs.

Lace stockings for the woman who has a fetish/love affair with awesome hosiery. The Marlaina Thigh-High Stockings design, by Joan McGowan-Michael, is available for $7.50(USD) at White Lies Designs, where all the designs are romantic — the whole site is worth checking out if you like a touch of that style in your wardrobe.

And if you need a lift today, here's a story a friend of mine told me last year to make me feel better. One year back in his university days, he had no money to spend on buying flowers for his girlfriend, so he decided to make her a bouquet of paper flowers. He stayed up most of the night, cutting and pasting. The next day when he presented his girlfriend with the flowers, she looked puzzled, reluctantly accepted the flowers, and said, "I didn't know we were going out."

This story does indeeed cheer me up whenever I think of it. Even I have never experienced a burn like that one.