Tuesday, 11 June 2013

One-Man Game Changers and Other Knitting Fables

Ridge desperately hoped that if he could look all manly and brooding and show off his chiselled profile even in acrylic orange and blue sweaters, he had a good shot at breaking into the Marlboro Man job. Or at least for getting modelling jobs that would allow him to wear his belt in the belt loops of his trousers. At this point he wasn't all that picky.

Garrett tried to make his fixed grimace look as much like a pleasant smile as possible, and to distract himself from how hot and itchy his crocheted caftan was making him, he wondered what the hell Ridge the belted sweater model ever thought he had to bitch about.

Melissa was proud of the dress and sweater she'd made for herself and her boyfriend Larry (which made them match not only each other but their refrigerator), but didn't quite know how to tell Larry that when the Nair commercials challenged viewers to dare wear short shorts, they weren't talking to him. And also that she didn't want him wearing that stupid hat.

Sometimes the guys from the curling club liked to dress up in their matching variegated yarn sweaters, get together for some brewskis, and secretly wonder why they had no luck with chicks.

Troy knew Ashley was trying to send him some message by making him this sweater and playing "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" at top volume and on repeat, but he couldn't figure out what it was exactly, and he wished she'd just come out with it.

Kevin had always hated that menswear basically only came in a few subdued colours and had set out to be a one-man game changer. His friends told him, dude, he could do whatever he wanted, but his game was going to remain one-man.

"Hi Grandma. Yes, I borrowed your lucky sweater when I left this morning. Yeah, I know I should have told you when you've got that podiatrist appointment today, but I had a big important meeting coming up and needed the extra insurance. Look, if you'd get your varicose veins treated you wouldn't need to coordinate your wardrobe to them. No, they don't think this sweater is "too feminine" at the office. Are you saying I'm too feminine? That's not very good for my self-esteem. That's better. Yes, I do have great hair. I'll be home at six as usual, Grandma. Yes, I'll stop and pick up some of that special dog food Baby Girl likes. Fifteen minutes after six then. Love you bunches too!"

Even the deer made fun of Chet when he went out hunting in the "New Wave Camouflage Jacket" that he'd designed, but he figured that was the price one paid for being cutting edge and secure as a rock in his masculinity.

Willie was sure that the matching Golliwog sweaters were the perfect look for him and his family to wear to his local KKK chapter's family picnic the next weekend: fun, light-hearted, matching. He wanted his family to set a new tone for the chapter, to help them all move past the burning crosses and lynchings, and to demonstrate that one could be a kinder, gentler, yet still equally offensive kind of racist.

Jude's mother had offered to teach him to knit many times, but he scorned such petty bourgeois pastimes and instead wore a pile of yarn when attending political demonstrations in chilly weather.

1 comment:

  1. I would totally knit that orange sweater-dress on the Patons leaflet. CUTE.