Sunday, 8 September 2013
Dora's Pet Poodle and Other Knitting Fables
Betty's mother was sure that if all those mean children at school really knew her daughter, they'd stop being so mean to her. So she knitted Betty a sweater with her name on it, to help her get acquainted with the other children. After all, everyone knew how kind children are.
All the other mothers on Sarah Ann's block were satisfied with just making matching mother daughter outfits, but Sarah Ann's mother was always an overachiever.
Sometimes Natasha's parents felt a little afraid of their child. They weren't quite sure why, but maybe it had something to do with how furniture tended to move around by itself, or burst into flames, whenever Natasha gazed at it in a especially intent way, or the way a really high percentage of her babysitters had died in some horrific and statistically improbable way.
When Natasha got older and her parents sent her outside to play, the other children would burst out crying and run home at the sight of her, and their parents would later complain that Natasha was giving everyone in their household nightmares about black mists, maniacal laughter, and distorted faces outside their bedroom windows. Natasha's parents gave up even trying to send Natasha outside when they noticed that the elderly women on the street were crossing themselves as she walked by.
Natasha's parents thought giving Natasha a sibling might help with some of her problems, but things only seemed to get worse after they adopted Lucifer.
Tierney's mother had always known her husband was budget-conscious, but the day he said their daughter didn't need a new sweater because he could make one by stapling their bathmat together was the day she realized he was a hopeless tightwad, and that it was time she took a stand before Tierney started believing her father was normal. Or someone slipped on the bathroom floor.
Despite all the money Rochester and Heathcliff's parents had spent on their clarinet lessons, the boys still had to be forced to attend band rehearsals and to practice. Their mother hoped dressing the boys in some hip, music-themed outfits would help them learn to love making music.
Sometimes Morris liked to take Morris Jr. out for walks and give him pointers on how to be a man. He was gratified to see that Junior had already absorbed some of the finer points of manliness, such as how to dress.
Dora had begged for a pet dog so long that she was thrilled to finally have been given one for Christmas, and she had even gotten matching accessories. But she was slowly coming to the realization that maybe there wasn't something quite right about Loopy the Poodle. Her parents had told her he needed to sleep a lot, but surely he couldn't really be sleeping 100% of the time?
"Remember Barbie, dressing like a little lady means wearing gloves. And hemlines so high you can't sit down without everyone seeing England and France."