The Crochet Crusades and Other Knitting Fables

Sometimes when Ali got stuck for a design concept, she gave her cat a bunch of yarn to play with and hair sprayed the result.

Frederica saw no reason why she shouldn't embrace her love of classic Chanel styles and patchwork quilts at the same time.

Troy, a museum curator, made a sort of hobby of creating historical textile pieces for the alternate universe he had created in his mind. He felt that his concept of armour for the Crochet Crusades was likely to prove his masterpiece.

Isabelle, a busy woman, saved time by simultaneously rehearsing for her dance recitals and knitting Christmas presents.

Brook had finally realized his vision of the perfect rave outfit, but felt it was all for nothing because he couldn't get his right sock to stay up.

Raoul's sperm sweater was one of the most acclaimed entries in the Male Pride Fashion Show.

When Timothea's design class instructor criticized her designs for being "too tube-like" and "structurally lacking", Timothea dutifully added curves and structure to her next design, only to receive a bewildering and terse "see me after class" comment from the instructor.

Rex was very proud of his new swim sweater, though he thought he could have done better at coordinating it with his Speedos. However, he reminded himself, with the right hair, one can get away with such minor sartorial missteps.

When Phillipa decided she'd missed her true calling of becoming a dental hygienist but wanted to finish out her last year of design school for the sake of finishing what she'd started, she decided that, rather than design a year-end project from scratch, she could just get creative with whatever swatches and half-finished projects she had lying around her dorm room.

There comes a point in many a model's life at which the model realizes that no amount of money makes it worth appearing in public in bizarre crap, and when Sullivan found himself on a runway in fishnet stockings and a sweater made out of steering wheel covers while being half-blinded by camera flashes, he realized he'd zoomed right past that point.

Forced Intimacy and Other Knitting Fables

Eleanor was convinced that it was by no accident that her name was what it was and that she was in fact the reincarnation of Eleanor of Aquitane and had shone as queen of both England and France, though those 16 years of house arrest had been a total drag.

Malcolm and Janine were trying to keep their minds open regarding their marriage therapists "forced intimacy" techniques, but sometimes they were ready to write him off as being completely full of shit.

Vincent tried spending an evening relaxing with his knitting as advised by his sister, and it ended up being the usual Saturday night of contemplating the barren, arid wasteland of his life and talking to the cat. But then, as his sister assured him when he complained to her about it, he'd done it wrong. He was supposed to spend the evening actually knitting, not wearing an unfinished and flawed project. Couldn't he just stuff the project gone wrong under his bed and start another project like normal knitters?

When Bethea's entire family came over for the annual Easter family do that she always hosted, they agreed that she had really outdone herself on the decorations this year.

Albert felt that an epic Mohawk called for an epic cowl.

Designer Iris was crushed when Jennifer Lopez turned down her new red carpet design for "not being revealing enough" and vowed never to make the mistake of being too demure in her designs again.

Alejandro topped off his latest knitwear creation with a fascinator constructed from a cheap wig, a kitchen canister, and two knitting needles. Sometimes he felt he'd missed his calling and should have been a milliner rather than a knitwear designer.

Augustus's pom pom philosophy was "I Magno aut in domum cede", or when roughly translated into plebeian English, "Go Big or Go Home".

One of these days, Mai thought, her boyfriend Christopher was going to insist on doing sheep cosplay once too often and she was going to dump his woolly, bob-tailed ass.

Petra had grown up worshiping Mary Kate and Ashley Olesen and her designs reflected her residual spite at fate for not making her a twin.

Roadkill Collage and Other Knitting Fables

Oleg had been knitting on public transit for years, and he found that blending in was the best way to avoid all those tiresome comments about how unusual it was to see a man knitting.

[Photo by Joseph Ford, with knitting by The Duke of Woollington.]

Sometimes even Crispin and Iris were amazed by their own coolness.

Philip had made a vow not to speak until he'd achieved his twin goals of moving out of his parents' basement and putting flowers on the graves of all four of the original members of The Ramones, but he thought there was no reason why he shouldn't let his clothes speak for him.

At the Purl & Prance Dance School, all the students had to knit or craft their own costumes.

During the Springfield community theatre's art house presentation of a crafter's version of the French Revolution, "Marie Knitoinette" brought down the house when she bellowed, "LET THEM CROCHET!"

Design student Colleen considered her pre-sagged and pre-pilled designs to be the most brilliant thing in design since acidwash jeans.

Design student Silken was insulted when one of her classmates asked her if she was taking Colleen's pre-pilled look steps farther. Her design was a celebration of her ovaries, thank you very much.

Meanwhile, Silken and Colleen's classmate Stefan had created a look he said was inspired by the sight of his six cats' eyes gleaming in the dark. Behind his back the rest of his classmates referred to it as the Roadkill Collage.

Fellow design student Nestrelda had spent far too many school nights staying up late to drop acid and re-watch Dances With Wolves, Never Cry Wolf, White Fang, and Teen Wolf.

Frustrated by his lack of success in meeting women, Gunther cast all attempts at subtlety to the winds.

Feline Fibre Genuis and other Knitting Fables

LuLu was getting a sinking feeling she ought to have taken that left turn at Albuquerque in order to get to the yarn store.

Shea had originally been mad at her cat Kip for shredding her latest (and nearly finished) project, but when she tried on the result just for the hell of it, she decided Kip might be some kind of feline fibre genius.

Kindergarten teacher Hazel was thrilled with the new outfit she'd made to wear while teaching a unit on dinosaurs to her class. She'd also dreamed up an idea for doing "cave painting" on the classroom walls with her students, and a "big bang"" experiment to do in the playground. Going off her meds was so good for her teaching skills!

Fed up with his mother's repeated promises to finish his new striped teddy bear "sometime", Chul-Moo decided to take matters into his own hands.

Cora felt that a bulky sweater went a long way towards balancing out what she considered to be problem hips. Now if she could only figure out an effective way to get her best friend Anna to stop emailing her links to articles about body dysmorphic disorder!

After getting charged with criminal mischief for tagging, Aviva took her case worker's advice and channeled her passion for making a mark into knitwear design. She found turning sweaters into the wall-like surface she wanted a bit of a challenge, but then it was a challenge she felt up to.

Madison felt that someday hot pants and afghan stripes were going to be just as universally known and quintessentially "Madison" as the little square suit and Chanel No. 5 were "Chanel".

Elysia wasn't exactly happy about being given the part of "turkey baster" in her community theatre's avant garde Thanksgiving play, but as she kept reminding herself, a true thespian gives 100% of herself to every role she takes on.

Elysia's neighbour Vicky, who had gotten cast as "mashed potatoes and peas", was less philosophical, and instead vowed to give up her stage ambitions and write a romance novel about an aspiring actress who got all the best parts in everything as well as all the leading men, because her talent and beauty was too remarkable to be ignored.

Keefe had decided that a "swim sweater", which left a tantalizing something to the imagination, was the best way to attract all the ladies at the public pool. Much to his disappointment, he'd only been approached by one 67-year-old woman so far, and that was only to kindly advise him that his sweater was going to both slow him down in the water and hang to his knees when wet.

Scourged by Humanity: A Special Valentine's Day Knitting Fable

Justine had been excitedly planning her knitting group's Valentine's Day party for a month and was glad she managed to finish her new lederhosen in time.

Phillipa was glad she'd also managed to finish designing and crafting the perfect Valentine's Day outfit, but its very success was making her reconsider her acceptance of Justine's invitation. Her dedication to her craft and her one-woman effort to bring back 80s fashions left her little time for parties.

Geneva hadn't finished her latest project yet, but this was just as well as she planned to wear nothing to the party but her knitting and her smile. This was one Valentine's Day she didn't intend to spend alone.

Harley, who considered Geneva's ploys more than a little obvious, planned to be proactive and bring a whole crew of sailors with her to the party. Or just keep them for herself; she hadn't decided which.

Lance and Dermot weren't quite sure whether they'd take up Justine on her party invitation, or just spend a quiet night in. They decided to wait and see whether Harley brought her sailor boys to the party or not. Because, well, sailors.

Venus and Willa had definitely decided on that quiet night in rather than the party, but they'd made special outfits for each other all the same. Which, alas, would end up giving them both wretched heat rashes.

Franklin and Rhea wouldn't have dreamed of missing Justine's party. They planned to show up in one of their matching knitwear sets and spend the entire time ostentatiously cuddling and telling everyone how they'd just got back from their fourth honeymoon and third vow renewal at Disneyland. Then in the car on the way home they'd have an unplanned screaming match over the new car mats Franklin had bought for the car, but that would just be between themselves.

Iris decided to bring not only her boyfriend Jeremy but also her friend Max. As she reasoned, Jeremy was only going to get sloppy drunk on Justine's notoriously strong punch and pass out on the couch anyway, so she might as well make sure she had someone else there to keep her company.

Justine had asked Tad to be the party's official videographer. He was happy to oblige, but he also had an eye out for the ladies, and was debating whether to wear his new crocheted vest or tie, or perhaps both.

Pearl, who'd given up on men, Valentine's Day, love, parties, punch, sailors, and in fact anything that might make being alive more fun, had reluctantly agreed to come to the party to avoid disappointing her close friend Justine, but planned to wear her knitted interpretation of the smallpox with appropriate makeup in order to demonstrate her pro-vaccination stance and "scourged by humanity" emotional state.